Earlier this week I decided to double-dip into the film world of Ara Paiaya. A martial artist turned filmmaking multi-tasker (producer, director, actor, stuntman, editor, cinematographer etc etc) who has gone from making what were apparently glorified home movies starring himself, friends and family, to directing B-Level name stars. Paiaya has also been accused by some of leaving glowing, 5 star reviews of his own movies on amazon.uk (“Ara Paiaya goes down the classic Death Wish route and does so with the intension of unleashing the former Incredible Hulk himself”, “independent martial arts action comedy classic”, “the director pioneered the British martial arts film”)
Instant Death (2017) aspires to be a Poundland version of Death Wish and First Blood, but frequently has to settle for being a mean-spirited, post watershed episode of Eastenders. Lou Ferrigno stars as John, a troubled war veteran who travels to London to visit his estranged daughter and granddaughter. The moment the film pulls at the heartstrings when the granddaughter tells John “I didn’t think god was real, but now that I’ve seen you, I do”, you know we’re going down the Death Wish route. Sure enough, a bunch of cockney geezers soon show up, murder the granddaughter and rape the daughter, who also has to forfeit her eyeballs as well. Knowing what a loose cannon John is, the British military decide to place him in custody, but its not long before John is on the run and waging a vigilante war on the London underworld, who quickly discover that they wouldn’t like him when he’s angry (sorry, couldn’t resist working that in).
Instant Death boasts the Under the Skin-esque surreal sight of seeing a Hollywood star being parachuted into the most unglamorous British locations possible. See Lou Ferrigno loiter outside a Job Centre Plus, wander past a branch of Boots and travel on First Day buses. Considering that he is now old enough to travel on those First Day buses for free, Ferrigno is in tremendous physical shape here. While never likely to be accused of being an acting heavyweight, he does also give a heroically dedicated performance, you can really tell Ferrigno is taking the bull by the horns and giving the best acting turn he is capable of here. Making you wish other aspects of the film had shared that level of commitment, rather than letting Ferrigno do all the heavy lifting. As you might expect from a film directed by a martial arts expert Instant Death only really comes alive when it is in action movie mode, and is less impressive when it steps away from action strasse. If you can turn a blind eye to the cheapness of everything else though, Instant Death does deliver on that level as Big Lou breaks bones, stabs people through the head and shoots them in the balls.
Laughability of the unintentional variety is also on hand, mainly due to some peculiar casting decisions. A council estate hoodie is played by one of the most well educated sounding young thespians imaginable, rendering his only line of dialogue “that’s that blonde bitch Jane Bradley” hilarious. The elderly actor cast as John’s military mentor would also seem to be more suited to a touring production of Dad’s Army than playing Colonel Trautman to Ferrigno’s Rambo here. For better or ill, humour can also be found in the film’s grimmest moments too. As a friend of mine observed, when the daughter’s rape is taking place offscreen the sound effects used to suggest it actually makes it sound like the bad guys are engaged in an intense skipping rope competition rather than a sexual assault. An observation that unfortunately caused me to laugh like a drain during the entire scene, and then feel like a complete sicko afterwards, since when the rape is onscreen we are talking a graphic, Michael Winner level sexual assault scene here.
I’m not sure I could have it on my conscience to leave Instant Death a five star review on Amazon uk, but at the same time its hard to really hate on a sincere, micro-budgeted hero worshipping of the 1980s action genre. Especially one that leaves you spinning with the revelation that one of the most mocked stars of that era actually has acting chops after all.
Skin Traffik (2015) aka A Hitman in London, has enough Hollywood burnouts in its cast to panic you into thinking it is a Richard Driscoll movie. The plot errmm… has something to do with a hitman trying to find redemption by rescuing the sister of a slain galpal from human traffickers….but I was constantly distracted from it by how much star Gary Daniels resembles Don Henderson these days (its fucking uncanny) and how much Mickey Rourke now resembles a Spitting Image puppet of Rod Stewart that has been allowed to deteriorate in someone’s garage for the past thirty years. If you can tear yourself away from those two, we also get a sweary Alan Ford, an incomprehensible Dominique Swain, a ramblingly Michael Madsen, a bored looking Daryl Hannah and Eric Roberts talking on a mobile phone a lot. Paiaya himself shows up in this one as Roberts’ right hand man and gives himself the 2nd most spectacular death scene in the film…(spoiler)…first place going to Eric Roberts who checks out à la the little girl in Fulci’s The Beyond.
As with Instant Death, Skin Traffik is a case of Paiaya coming into his own when staging fight scenes, car chases and shootouts, and politely asking you to ignore the deflating nature of everything else. Skin Traffik isn’t quite as entertaining as Instant Death though, due mainly to its muddled storyline, a bloated near 100 minute running time and a rather dull excursion to Amsterdam that the film could have done without. Still on the basis of these two films alone, I have no reservations in proclaiming Ara Paiaya, Britain’s answer to Amir ‘Samurai Cop’ Shervan. Feel free to interpret that comparison as either an enticement or a warning.
Both Instant Death and Skin Traffik are currently up on youtube (seemingly legally) -channel name ‘Hollywood Flix’ - along with their trailers, should you want an idea of what you’re getting into here before following me down this rabbit-hole.
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