Stair Lift to Stardom

Let me introduce you to a whole new rabbit hole: Stairway to Stardom. The brainchild of Italian-American nightclub singer Frank Masi, this public-access television show shined a low-fi spotlight on the good, the bad and the hopeless of New York amateur talent. Singers, dancers, magicians, celebrity impersonators, comedians and all manner of Rupert Pupkin type wannabes did their thing in front of the Stairway to Stardom cameras, against a threadbare backdrop of cheap plants and fug ugly furniture.
Once seen, impossible to forget turns include Gloria Huddle with her ‘is that a cockney, australian or deep south’ accent and unique interpretation of ‘Operator’ by The Manhattan Transfer, Lucille Cataldo- with her black bin bag apparel and irritatingly catchy, self penned number ‘Hairdresser’ (“what….a….tease, teaser Louise, teaser Louise”), the tortured, tearful Precious Taft and her mid-monologue breakdown “I only thank the benevolent god for being wiser than me, because if a son existed now, I swear…I’D BASH HIS BRAINS AGAINST THE GODDAMN RADIATOR”. Then there’s the mysterious, balaclava wearing ‘B.J- The Messenger’, making a rappin’ contribution to the war on drugs, and not forgetting Masi himself who doesn’t so much sing a song, as emotionally act it out with every bone in his body.



A cynical, cruel mind might suggest the show would have been more accurately titled ‘Stair Lift to Stardom’, but it is impossible not to warm to Frank Masi, a clearly all round nice guy, who genuinely believed he was making the world a better place by putting this show on air, and insists on dishing out his catchphrase “that was beautiful” to even the train wreck acts. Everything and everyone was beautiful in Frank’s eyes. Sadly neither Frank Masi (1925-2013) or the show (1979-1992) are still around, but 27 full episodes and many, many clips from the show lie in wait on the Stairway to Stardom Youtube channel, ready to make the masses smile, laugh, cry, cringe and frequently drive them to the point of madness and beyond. I’ve always been curious if anyone on the show actually made it to the big time, the only person I’ve ever seen outside of the context of the show is Don Costello, a baldheaded comedian with a penchant for pantomime drag and ‘take my wife’ jokes, who also had bit parts in The Toxic Avenger and Splatter University…what a stairway to stardom!!!!

If you want to follow me further down the rabbit hole marked ‘public-access TV’ there is Beyond Vaudeville (1986-1996) . 48 hours after watching it and I'm still undecided as to this episode's highlight. Is it the 'miscellaneous dancing' of deadly serious cosplayer Suzanne 'Underdog' Muldowney. The facial responses to her act by former child star Mason Reese, who grows so bored by her antics that he takes to reading a book about Star Wars instead.
Then there is David, who is meant to be the show’s co-host but is more its Ron Mael character, he rarely speaks and prefers to glare contemptuously at everyone. Against stiff competition I think you'd have to hand the award to David, if only for his violent reaction to having a Bay City Rollers album thrust under his nose.

Evidentially the Beyond Vaudeville boys had a thing for exploitation movies, as posters for the likes of Slaughterhouse, Alien Predators, Alvin Purple and Plutonium Baby adorn the walls of the set in later episodes. I'm not sure if its flattering or insulting to have a shared characteristic with Frank and David, but at least you can add 'Quentin Crisp and the poster for Plutonium Baby' to the list of things you never expected to see in the same room.