Spanish B-Movie veteran Frank Brana plays either an
Egyptologist or a policeman pretending to be an Egyptologist (that particular
plot point is never resolved) whose investigations take him to Dartmoor and the
castle of the Earl of Dartmoor, a powerful occultist who can turn people to
stone, magic up snakes and has the power over life and death. The Earl also
fancies himself as Dartmoor’s answer to Baron Frankenstein and brings a lustful
Egyptian mummy back to life. Soon of course, that plan backfires on the Earl,
as the Mummy imprisons him in the castle’s dungeon, turns out to have vampire
like tendencies, takes control of the Earl’s manservant John, and uses John to
murder local wenches for their blood.
The person you most feel sorry for here is the poor sod
playing the long suffering John, who despite being no spring chicken is given a
role which requires him to get spat in the face, pelted with rocks, knocked off
a ladder, thrown into a moat, climb a cliff face and get kicked in the nuts by
the Mummy…who’d be a faithful manservant in ye olde Dartmoor. Compared to the
actor playing the Mummy itself, who is relegated to leisurely pursuits like
horse riding and molesting various women, or the actor that plays the Earl, who
spends most of the film sitting behind bars, its clear which cast member has
drawn the short straw here. Come to think about it, if the Earl of Dartmoor (he
is sometimes referred to as ‘Count Dartmoor’ as well) is so powerful and a
bigwig when it comes to magic…why doesn’t he do bugger all but sit in a jail
cell for the majority of the movie, even while the Mummy is terrorizing his
household and murdering various people, including a member of the Earl’s own
family. The film’s depiction of Dartmoor doesn’t exactly hold up to close
scrutiny either…then again some suspension of disbelief is called for here,
especially since we're dealing with a film about a vampire, Egyptian mummy
running loose on Dartmoor.
For a piece of Euro-horror that is now as obscure as they
come…never making it to DVD or Blu-Ray and only surfacing on VHS in a Spanish
language version (the VHS rip on Youtube has optional English subs) its
surprising to discover that Love Brides of the Blood Mummy had a UK cinema
release in 1973 as ‘Lips of Blood’. It also made it to Canada, two years later,
as part of a Euro-sleaze double-bill with ‘Secret Love Life of the Invisible
Man’…a Eurocine production more commonly known these days as The Invisible Dead
or Orloff Against the Invisible Man. So, a dubbed English language version must
have existed at some point, possibly with more nudity in it. The Spanish
language version that is around these days does bear all the traces of being a
‘clothed’ version of the film, prepared for the censorious climate of 1970s
Spain. Meaning the Mummy might get away with rape, flagellation and branding
women in this version, but he remains gentlemanly enough to only strip them
down to their bloomers while doing so. Of course if you have a thing for
hysterical women wearing bloomers, that not even Mrs Slocombe’s antics in Are
You Being Served can satisfy, this is the version for you. For everyone
else…well as no other version of this film has ever re-surfaced…its bloomers
for the rest of us as well!!!
Thursday, 17 September 2020
Love Brides of the Blood Mummy (1973)
Friday, 11 September 2020
Sonny Capone (2020)
Once in a while a very
special kind of movie comes along...one that is intoxicating in its ineptitude,
to the extent that it will leave you dizzy afterwards, and possibly laughing
uncontrollably about it for days on end. Samurai Cop...Manos, the Hands of Fate...GETEVEN...Verotika...the
latest addition to this family is made man Sonny Capone, and he is here to make
"so bad it's good" movie merchants an offer they can't refuse.
A Mafia epic relocated
to an Irish council estate, there is a dozen or so plot strands running around
in circles here, seemingly designed to let any local resident who fancied their
chances playing an onscreen hard man their moment in the spotlight. What plot that
is legible evolves around Sonny Capone (Gerard Daly), a Dublin born gangster
who gets elected the head of the Mafia in Rome, only to then discover he has
terminal cancer, only to then discover he has a son he never knew about, only
to then have to travel back to Ireland to avenge the death of the son he never
knew about...who has been murdered on the orders of local drug dealer James
"The Predator" Barrett. Production values are next to zero, if not
minus zero, scenes supposedly taking place at the headquarters of the Mafia in
Rome look that they were shot upstairs at the local job center, with someone's
granddad cosplaying as a cardinal, and someone else's granddad dusting off
their impersonation of Brando in the Godfather, the one that went down a storm
at the local working men's club about forty years ago. For a scene where Sonny
stages a kidnapping at the Israeli embassy, the set designer's idea of evoking
the location appears to have been to draw the Star of David onto blank pieces
of paper, sellotape them to doors and hey presto an instant Israeli embassy is
born. When it comes to cost cutting audacity you have to hand it to them, Sonny
Capone is a film with very big balls. Along the way there is plenty of feckin'
swearing and plenty of feckin' fighting all delivered with the amateurish
enthusiasm of authentic, but hard to understand Irish accents and put on, even
harder to understand Italian accents. Sonny Capone amounts to ninety odd
minutes of yelling "WTF am I watching" at the screen. In a beyond distasteful
subplot, Palestinian terrorists, who having become downhearted at the lack of
'likes' their beheading videos have been getting on YouTube, attempt to
increase their number of YouTube subscribers by murdering naked Jewish men in a
makeshift gas chamber...which also allows the film to throw full frontal male
nudity into the mix. There is also the revelation that one of the gangsters has
been keeping a decaying female corpse around...Norman Bates style...a prop that
looks straight out of a joke shop...you're only amazed that the Sonny Capone
crew remembered to cut the price tag off it.
Aimed squarely at the
post-pub supermarket DVD crowd... Sonny Capone is the type of entertainment
that under normal circumstances might be described as a "beer and
curry" movie...only I doubt either could be consumed during this film
without being spat out of your nose and mouth. Sonny Capone writes its own
eulogy when one of the eye-talian goons remarks "get the fuck out of here
with this leprechaun crap"... or as the philosophical Sonny himself might
put it "dares more tar life dan deet". I implore you to "catch
yourself on" and see this film, if only for the entirely selfish reason
that I don't want to be alone in my suffering.
Thursday, 3 September 2020
Erotic Green (2015)
From the Xtro school of
"Cronenbergian body horror relocated to a grotty, Brit backdrop"
comes this short film, centered around Max (Edward Carlton), whose libido takes
him in the direction of an underground strip club, where the strippers are
hibernating green eggs inside themselves. In an extremely unwise move, Max is
persuaded to take one of the eggs home with him, by a dying stripper who has just
given 'birth' to it. Max then keeps the egg in his fridge where it initially
does wonders for his sex life, but of course you just know it is all gonna end
in tears, as well as lots of blood and green slime. There's plenty of gross,
sexual disgust at work to make this a lively 24 minutes, with detours into the
zombie and geezer crime genres too. I don't know whether this was the
filmmaker's intention but Erotic Green feels far more like an Xtro sequel than
the actual Xtro sequels. Like Xtro itself though if you're looking for a
satisfactory explanation for all the weird shit that is taking place onscreen
you've come to the wrong place, and it is never particularly involving with
characters you don't really care less about, despite all the body horror indignities
the film puts them through. 1980s worship abounds both stylistically and
musically...to the degree that you half expect Bryan Ferry to show up and start
crooning during those opening credits.
Video link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IEAzEVF3Y8
Wednesday, 12 August 2020
Snake Eyes (2020)
In a sign of US indie
cinema emerging from lockdown, here is the latest piece of Shasta County
kick-assery from director Rene Perez, he of Death Kiss, the Playing with Dolls
series and more recently the controversial and heavily suppressed The
Insurrection. This time its a non-profit, available for free, fan film based on
G.I. Joe. A franchise I have to admit to having no real history with, aside
from catching one of the Hollywood adaptations a few years ago...the one with
The Rock in...which I recall being a confusing mess of ego and CGI crash, bang
wallop. In comparison the Perez take on G.I. Joe is quite coherent and
accessible. Even if you are not au fait with G.I. Joe though, Snake Eyes is
actually an ideal primer into what Perez's brand of cinema is all about. Namely
a guy in a cool ninja outfit taking on dozens of goons, the utilization of real
life martial artists, female eye candy, and extreme gore mixed with old
fashioned gallantry (our hero thinks nothing of smashing in other men’s skulls
or blowing away male faces and genitalia, but also sends flowers to his special
lady and can't bring himself to punch out a female opponent). Despite the
bruising he took for The Insurrection, Snake Eyes also finds Perez in
unapologetically boat rocking form, politically. Whereas the pre-pandemic The
Insurrection touched a raw nerve by predicting that leftish 'deep state'
figures were about to unleash a virus onto the populace, as a means to justify
forming a totalitarian government, Snake Eyes takes place after such a plan has
been initiated. Making this as much a thematic sequel to The Insurrection as a
G.I. Joe homage.
As is par for the course
for Perez, Snake Eyes is also an unapologetic love letter to 1980s action
cinema, with Perez simultaneously channeling all those Miami Vice era vibes
with his soundtrack, composed under his regular alias 'The Darkest Machines'.
So, if this 20 minute freebie floats yer boat, be sure to check out his
prolific feature film output, with normal service set to resume soon with ‘Righteous
Blood’, a western starring Michael Pare, Emily Whitcomb and frequent Perez collaborator
Joseph Camilleri.
Video link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJGD8LosjTA
Tuesday, 11 August 2020
Darker Shades of Elise (2017)
Ever wondered what a 21st
century British sex film would look like…well wonder no more and meet Darker
Shades of Elise, a film that clearly owes its existence to a certain Hollywood
blockbuster with the word ‘Shades’ in its title. The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon from a
few years ago resulting in a short lived revival of sexploitation filmmaking in
Britain, that includes this film and ‘Dirty Work’ made by the same bunch of
people. As much as Darker Shades of
Elise and Dirty Work are examples of plucky, low budget British filmmakers grabbing
onto the designer coattails of 50 Shades of Grey, they are also in the
tradition of the middle class sex dramas that the British film industry used to
make in the late 60s and early 70s…think, “Loving Feeling”, “Love is a Splendid
Illusion”, the swinging suburban dramas of Derek Ford, and in particular 1971’s
Not Tonight Darling. Darker Shades of
Elise is essentially Not Tonight Darling updated to a world of mobile phones,
hard drives and revenge porn. This film
did go through a number of titles on its way to the DVD shelves of
supermarkets…it was filmed as The Domino Effect…appears to have been briefly
mooted as 50 Shades of Elise, before finally settling on Darker Shades of
Elise.
For some reason, I keep wanting to
call this film Darker Shades of Elsie, which makes it sound like a Coronation
Street origins story. This isn’t
however, a film documenting Elsie Tanner’s descent into BDSM, this is the story
of Elise Styles (Becky Fletcher), a young, well off yet bored and unfulfilled
newlywed whose love life is on a downward spiral. Her decent, but dull hubby, is a high flying businessman
who would rather focus on his job in the city than his wife, and may also be
playing away from home. All of which
leaves Elise more than a little envious of her best friend, a sex crazy minx
called Bianca (Charlene Cooper) who can barely wait till she has hustled Elise
out of the door before she is riding on top of a muscular hunk. Catching the sight of those two engaging in
carnal pleasure, causes the desperate Elise to resort to a spot of public
masturbation outside of Bianca’s house.
Elise’s fortunes appear to be on the up when she meets Felix (Arron
Blake) a handsome fashion photographer, who initially appears to be Elise’s
passport to a more exciting existence…enough to blind her to the slightly ‘off’
vibe that Felix projects to others. An
early scene in the film where Felix barges into an office, demanding work, only
to be shooed away by a female boss he then loses his composure with, tips off
the audience that Felix has ‘issues’ with women, and has a history of making an
incessant pest of himself around them. Despite
this, Elise is soon throwing caution to the wind, and embarks on a dangerous,
high risk affair with Felix. One that is
daringly played out right under her husband’s nose. While her husband is taking a shower, Felix
lets himself into Elsie and hubby’s apartment and insists on having rough, rear
entry sex with her. Ironically her oblivious
husband then emerges from the shower feeling horny, and also insists on having
rough, rear entry sex with Elise…proving that a woman’s work is never done.
Soon the thrill seeking Felix begins
pushing things even further by demanding that Elise have anonymous, impromptu
sex with any man that Felix chooses. A
situation that results in a succession of near naked, young bucks appearing at
Elise’s apartment all ready for carnal pleasure, including a homosexual couple
who feel like playing the field, and show up looking for an Elise sandwich. Not every character who exists within this
kinky world is cold hearted and unfeeling though. When Felix hires a dominatrix, played by
Claire Maria-Fox, to do her thing, the dominatrix gets an instant bad vibe
about Felix, prevents him from raping Elise, and shoos him away by threatening
to call the police. Thus becoming the
first character in the film to show any kind of compassion or concern for
Elise’s wellbeing.
It should be mentioned that Claire
Maria-Fox has subsequently graduated to leading lady status in a string of British
horror films like Bride of Scarecrow, Mother Krampus and The Tooth Fairy…and is
an absolute scream in all of them. I’ve
no idea if Claire Maria-Fox is actually from Essex, but with her fur coat, Afghan
hound hair, and mouth that rarely closes, she does play the most excessively
Essex girl type characters imaginable in those movies. Knowing just how grating and irritating her
performances must be to so many, just makes me adore Claire Maria-Fox all the
more. She is definitely the standout,
quirky star of those horror films, but I’m not sure you could make the same
case for Darker Shades of Elise- after all she only has about two scenes in the
whole movie. So, it remains rather
puzzlingly that it is Claire Maria-Fox who is plastered all over the DVD cover
of Darker Shades of Elise, while the actual star of the film Becky Fletcher, is
relegated to background imagery. A
decision that also seems slightly suspect in this day and age, if you consider
that Claire Maria-Fox is white, and Becky Fletcher is…I believe…mixed
race. Who knows though…there could be
some innocent explanation for this…such as Becky Fletcher not wanting that
level of exposure…so let’s not set off those woke alarms too prematurely.
Whereas this film’s Hollywood
counterpart posited its male character as a romantic and redeemable figure,
Darker Shades of Elise is under no illusions that Felix is anything more than a
disturbed, stone cold deviant. A side to
him that becomes more apparent as the film progresses. A more accurate movie character comparison
would be with Hellraiser’s Frank Cotton.
Felix’s rugged looks and bad boy appeal belies a jaded, seen and done it
all extremist interior. Like Hellraiser Frank
he is destined to change the life of a bored, sexually repressed woman…but
certainly not for the better. As Elise
seeks to distance herself from a debasing and destructive lifestyle, Felix
resorts to strong-arm tactics to lure her back in. Pasting illicit photos of her at the office
of the company she is seeking employment with, and blackmailing her with a sex
tape before turning her over to a trio of his creepy, swing buddies who take
turns in raping her from behind, with one of them hissing “go harder on her”
and “I’ll fucking break you”. For a film
born out of ‘sensitive’ times, Darker Shades of Elise isn’t afraid to go to
some uncomfortable and disturbing places when it comes to depicting Elise’
degradation. There is also frequent
nudity from its female stars and -befitting an era of equal opportunity- plenty
of bared abs and thrusting buns from its male actors…so something for the
ladies and the gay blades here as well. Couple
that with a multi-racial cast, and Darker Shades of Elise does represent an
attempt to drag the British sex film into the 21st century.
While the landscape of Britain has
dramatically changed since the 1970s, the ghost of British sex films past still
haunts this movie. Darker Shades of
Elise is practically Fordian –Derek not John- in the manner in which it is torn
between being a celebratory portrayal of sexual excess and a paranoid
frightmare about what can happen when people step outside of the sexual
norm. Darker Shades of Elise even resurrects
one of Ford’s frequent stock characters, the obnoxious male photographer. A type Derek Ford always seemed to have it in
for in his writing and direction…think Tony Booth in Corruption, Kevin Lloyd in
Don’t Open Till Christmas, and the shutterbugs of Suburban Wives and Scream and
Die…Felix would have been right at home amongst that sick bunch. The same team’s other sex film ‘Dirty Work’ is
likely to have also met with the Derek Ford seal of approval, the tale of a
shy, wallflower whose fumbling attempts at voyeurism and BDSM lead to her being
framed for a murder. While I seriously
doubt anyone connected to these films has ever heard of Derek Ford, they
nevertheless adhere to the same Fordian belief that a high price must always be
paid for sexual misadventures.
As well as the aforementioned Claire
Maria-Fox, it is notable how practically everyone involved with this film has
subsequently gone on to have careers in British horror films. The director Jamie Weston, preceded this with
a horror film (2016’s Fox Trap), and followed it with another (2018’s Mandy-
The Haunted Doll). Co-producer Scott
Jeffrey has continued with a run of constantly interesting horror films…Suicide
Club, Cupid, The Final Scream, Clowndoll and Don’t Speak. Another producer on this film, Louisa Warren
has gone on to become one of Britain’s most prolific female director of horror
films. Warren also takes a supporting
role in Darker Shades of Elise. So, if
you’ve ever wanted to put a face to the person who makes all those horror films
about scarecrows that you see in supermarkets, Warren shows up here as Janet. A friend of Elise’s husband, who is
consistently mean and nasty towards Elise and eventually receives her
comeuppance in the form of an almightily slap around the face from Elise. Actress Becky Fletcher aka Becca Hirani, has
also been no slouch when it comes to British horror films either, starring in
2017’s House on Elm Lake and –as Rebecca J Matthews- directing Pet Graveyard
and The Candy Witch.
Given how these careers have panned
out, it is tempting to wonder if these people weren’t already foreseeing such a
future for themselves when they made Darker Shades of Elise. A film that teeters towards being a horror
film throughout, and arguably, mounts a full scale assault on the genre with a
wildly violent last act that sees characters tied to chairs, caked in blood,
being repeatedly stabbed, and Felix going full tilt psycho by caving in heads
with a hammer. At which point you do a
double take, step back and ask yourself “ermm…at which point did this become a
Pete Walker film?” Unused scenes,
included as an extra on the DVD release, further push Darker Shades of Elise in
a horror film direction, revealing a sub-plot in which Felix follows one of
Elise’s confidants back to her house, stalks her while she is in the shower
then suffocates her. The deleted scenes
also afford Felix a back-story…his momma was a whore, and youngman Felix was
exposed to some inappropriate stuff, including mum eventually slashing her
wrists in the bathroom…the typical horror movie way of explaining why
characters grow up to be arseholes.
As tends to be the case with Louisa
Warren’s subsequent horror films, Darker Shades of Elise is a bit of a rough
diamond. The film emulates the look of a
glossy Hollywood production, taking in lots of aerial views of London’s
corporate landscape, imagery that has become the norm when it comes to big
budget Hollywood’s way of depicting a London location. At the same time, cracks, revealing a low
budget and against the clock shooting, gradually appear. Some of the supporting actors aren’t quite up
to the standards of the leads –both of whom are very good- and there are sound
recording issues. The impression you get
is that time and money, or the lack thereof, are constant enemies of Warren,
and that the films emerge as unpolished and a little rough around the edges as
a result. Still considering that the
film was (according to the director’s audio commentary) only shot in 12 days,
runs around 100 minutes with around 10 minutes of leftover footage, that is
nearly two hours of usable material from a 12 day shoot. A considerable, low budget achievement that demonstrates
just how fast and efficiently Warren and Co are able to crank this stuff out.
Darker Shades of Elise does come
across as someone striking while the iron was still hot, and when 50 Shades of
Grey was still a fashionable ‘thing’. I
can’t help thinking, with regards to this film’s relationship to 50 Shades of
Grey, that mainstream films dealing with sexuality and eroticism tend to be
massive in their day, but largely forgotten as time has gone on. Films like Carnal Knowledge and Last Tango in
Paris were the source of controversy and after dinner conversations at the
time, but these days tend to be remembered more by film historians rather than
the average joe. Whenever 1980s cinema comes
under the nostalgic spotlight, you don’t tend to hear films like The Postman
Always Rings Twice, The Blue Lagoon and Nine and a Half Weeks brought up in the
same revered company as Back to the Future, The Goonies or Robocop. The only exception to the rule would have to
be Showgirls, a derided laughing stock in its day, which managed to have the
last laugh by rising from the ashes to enjoy a camp afterlife. The verdict is still out on 50 Shades of
Grey, but even now, only a few years on, it does feel as if those films were
just a flash in the pan, that are quickly disappearing from the pop culture radar. Seemingly validating the decision of so many
connected to Darker Shades of Elise to jump ship and start making horror films
instead, a genre that generally tends to date better than erotic cinema.
I suppose in writing this, I should
have made the ultimate sacrifice, broke down and watched one of the 50 Shades
of Grey movies, in order to compare them to this British answer to the
series…but, alas dear reader, even I have my limits when it comes to doing
research. I did watch part of the first
50 Shades of Grey film while staying at Suzy Mandel’s place… it was playing on
the cable service that S’Mandel has… but I have to confess to dozing off
through it. More recently a penny
pitching friend was ecstatic to pick up the third film for 50p at a charity
shop…not because he wanted to see the film, but because he thought it might be
worth more to take back to CEX…which in fairness it was…it was worth £1. So I did see part of ‘50 Shades Freed’ before
its date with CEX. Not that I can look
down on people for buying and selling at CEX…having picked up Darker Shades of
Elise there for £1.50…my small contribution to the British film industry. It should be mentioned that the first 50
Shades of Grey film is also currently £1.50 in CEX, so in CEX terms at least 50
Shades of Grey and Darker Shades of Elise are currently on equal footing, and
in my book, Elise spanks 50 Shades bare buttocks…on account of that fact that I
didn’t fall asleep during this one. As
much as I’ve enjoyed many of the horror films that have since emerged from this
‘collective’, both Darker Shades of Elise and Dirty Work rank among their best
work, and make you regret that the window of opportunity for a British sex film
revival, inadvertently opened by 50 Shades of Grey, proved to be a very brief
one.
Wednesday, 5 August 2020
Folies Meurtrieres (1984)
Video version of this
review:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOn5SnHhwyk
https://archive.org/details/follies
Blood and guts action from 1980s France, that
as you might expect from an amateur super 8 film made by gorehounds with only
fellow gorehounds in mind, cuts right to the heart of what the era's slasher
films were all about, namely peeps getting carved up with chainsaws, chopped up
with axes, stabbed, and meeting pick axes head on....with none of that pesky
dialogue or character development to get in the way of painting the screen red.
Very much in the same league as the trashy,
chunkblowing antics of Nathan Schiff (Weasels Rip My Flesh), Andreas Schnaas
(Violent Shit) and fellow countryman N.G Mount (Ogroff-The Mad Mutilator), it's
one for those that can still connect with their gore fixated teenage selves who
worshiped Chas Balun, Tom Savini and Fangoria magazine....and are able to put a
mental block on how inept and repetitious it all is. Le Plot?...errr a masked
killer stalks and kills a woman, then stalks and kills another woman...then
stalks and kills yet another woman...rinse, repeat for about forty minutes or
so, after which that thing that happens to Joe Spinell at the end of Maniac,
also happens here (the killer's identity and motivation represent the only real
flashes of originality). Still, check out that scene where the girl gets killed
in the car and wonder if they managed to clean off all that red paint from
dad's car after they'd finished filming- such are the follies of low budget,
gore obsessed filmmakers.
Sunday, 2 August 2020
Babbling about Bedabbled magazine
A few words about
Bedabbled , the British Horror and Cult Cinema magazine
Video links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9fLMfJezso
https://archive.org/details/bedBBLED