They say you don't realise you've gone through a golden age until it has ended, and looking back at the 2000s, you have to concede that it was indeed a golden age for big bust models. Michelle Marsh, Sophie Howard, Lucy Pinder, Keeley Hazell...plus reality TV drop-ins to the modeling scene like Saskia Howard Clarke and Sophie Reade. I think we took it for granted then, but what a time it was for us guys to live through.
Both northerners, Michelle Marsh and Sophie Howard always came across as the
most relatable, down to earth of these models. Michelle hailed from Oldham,
inspiring many corny 'Hold 'Em' puns about the size of her breasts. Keeley and
Lucy Pinder were super sexy, but rightly or wrongly appeared aloof and not very
interesting personality wise. Saying that it was a glorious day when Lucy
finally went topless in a magazine, following what seemed like a torturously
long four year period where she'd only do bikini shots. Ridiculous as it
sounds, it seemed nothing short of miraculous to see Lucy topless in a
magazine. Her breasts being a sight which, by that point, we'd all pretty much
resigned ourselves to never seeing. Lucy's initial reluctance to do nudity
prompting speculation that she had scarring or damage to her breasts (which
obviously turned out not to be true), that she was tied to a modeling contract
with a morals clause which prevented her from doing nudity, or that she simply
knew her true value and was holding out for big money. Whatever the reason,
Boy, did I have a spring in my step when I walked home with that magazine. In
Miss Lucy's case the forbidden fruit turned out to be extremely ripe indeed.
It's said that people who were around in the 1960s always remember where they
were when they heard Kennedy had been shot, I suspect the same could be said of
people in the noughties when they heard Lucy Pinder had posed topless. The
sound of that bra being unfastened reverberated throughout the nation. Saskia
Howard Clarke was another one who initially would only do underwear shoots,
before finally showing the boobs, which were as impressive as you hoped they'd
be.
Personally, these ladies were the only appealing aspect to the type of
magazines they appeared in. The 'lifestyle' part of those Lads mags just left
me cold...Andy McNab books, football, the Kray Twins, Howard Marks, yadda,
yadda, yadda...who cares. That mentality always struck me as moronic, years
before it became the fashionable thing to call it out as such. Those magazines
might have spoke my language when it came to big boobs, but I can put my hand
on heart and proudly say that I never read those magazine for the articles.
Most of these magazines produced filmed content as well, usually given away for
free in DVD form with the mags themselves. Such was the case with the Maxim Uncovered
series, as well as various Zoo and Nuts videos. These made good on delivering
footage of the likes of Michelle and Sophie as nature intended, and were
essentially the 2000s equivalent of 8mm glamour films, with the addition of
sound allowing insight into the girls' personalities and sexy mojo.
Michelle Marsh
The success of these new style mags blindsided traditional pornographers- like David Sullivan- who had been publishing more explicit material for decades, and couldn't comprehend why magazines which showed little more skin than those from the 1960s connected so much with a 2000s audience. In that sense the Lads mags were a throwback to the Kamera era, with their avoidance of full frontal nudity. A stance seemingly favoured by their models. Michelle Marsh, for one, was reportedly furious when People magazine -an Australian answer to the Lads mags- broke rank by publishing unretouched, full frontal shots of her. A selling point hyped in the magazine as only the Australians can "don't lose that grip on yer stubby fellas...we present, for the first time ever totally nude snaps of pommyland's bestest Page 3 babe...now go clean that beer of yer trousers". It was a decision that split her UK fans down the middle, with some jumping to defend m'lady's honour and others grateful to our Australian cousins for this rare view of the bush.
Unfortunately the makers of the Lags mags had a tendency to look down on pornography, pulling dirty looks if the dreaded 'P' word was used in connection with their publications, but if they thought distancing themselves from top shelf mags would endear them to pornography's critics then they were mistaken. The moral of this story is that the enemy of your enemy isn't necessary your friend. Over time the Lads mags found themselves forced into opaque, plastic covering and consigned to the top shelf of newsagents, giving them the same stigma as pornography, before disappearing from the cultural landscape entirely. At the same time as the Lads mags were coming under fire and being ghettoized to the top shelf, their critics appeared to have no issues with the so-called 'Women's Magazines' which remained in full view at newsagents and supermarkets. This despite their covers hyping real life stories of sexual violence and broken taboos "I slept with my uncle...then he ripped my face off!!!" in a gloating, sensationalist fashion which seemed more unhealthy than the cheeky, cheery, boobie obsessed Lads mags.
It's debatable who murdered the Lads Mags, puritans and the censorious might like to claim that scalp but the internet is another likely suspect. I remember high quality scans of their T&A pages appearing on rogue websites the very same week that the magazines themselves hit the shelves. A turn of events that left punters with little incentive to pick up a physical copy. Sex might sell, but not if it's being given away for free elsewhere. If the makers of these magazines really thought people were reading their publications for the non girly content then those declining sales figures must have made for a sobering wake up call. None of these magazines survived long into the 2010s. I remember finding myself in a motorway service station in 2014 and seeing the final issue of 'Nuts' on the shelf... the top shelf naturally. It's cover featured a b&w close up of Lucy Pinder's face, a tear rolling down her cheek. An end of an era moment if ever there was one. Of their biggest stars, Keeley Hazell and Lucy Pinder pursued acting careers, Sophie Howard was lost to higher education. Going full circle, Pinder recently opened up shop on onlyfans, where she posts photos that avoid fully showing her breasts. Sadly in July 2022 it was reported that Michelle Marsh's young daughter is battling a rare chronic nerve disease which has no known cure.
For all of the mud that's now flung at Lad culture- and don't get me wrong some of that thoroughly deserved a kick in the balls- it's difficult to look at the noughties and shake off the feeling that well... people just seemed allot happier back then.
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