It’s a Priapic Affair – the story of Neil, Phil and Hannah

 

Armed with a camcorder, pseudonyms straight out of a joke shop and questionable medical qualifications, Dr Neil Down and Phil Mycock were two muscular specimens who made a grab for fame in the British porn industry at the tail end of the 1990s.  Both men were ex-strippers –and by Christ didn’t you know it- their Neil Down Sex Therapist series is a textbook example of how queer, straight porn can be, when it’s in the hands of male narcissists.  Too used to being the centre of attention, the pair come across as the type of men who’d beat their meat to photos of themselves.  In their videos, Neil and Phil approach the task of fucking a woman as if she was a new piece of gym equipment...it all adds up to a display of muscle and physical strength, strictly done to win the adulation of fellow meatheads.  Alternating the camerawork between each other, Neil and Phil use the series as an excuse to immortalise their pumped up bodies on video, with the female performers...the people who the punters were paying to see...often lost amidst a jumble of thrusting muscles and buttocks.  Even now, decades after the Neil Down series came to an end, their names are still mud in certain circles.  “I couldn’t stand those two preening self-obsessed idiots” remembered one porn collector recently “they were far more into each other than any girl they happened to be having sex with”.  Like elephants, duped porn punters have long memories, especially when it comes to those who have done them wrong.  The name of Neil and Phil’s production company ‘Priapic’ and its logo of a naked, muscular man staring at his own dick, says it all. 

Aping the format of such rivals as Ben Dover and Omar Williams, the Neil Down videos embraced the ‘gonzo’ approach of American pornography, while refusing to give up on the ghost of the 1970s British Sex Comedy era.  Our two heroes, Dr Neil Down and his assistant Phil Mycock are two amateur sex therapists whose job drags them into a series of escapades involving bored, repressed women who call on Neil and Phil to be their sexual savours.  No L.A. mansions, limousines or hot tubs for these two, keeping it real and British is what Neil and Phil were all about.  A succession of student bedsits, messy kitchens and the upstairs of pubs is where Neil and Phil did their loving, with the shot on video production values adding to the home-grown grot.  In all likelihood Neil and Phil grew up watching the Confessions and Adventures films on VHS, and recognising positive male role models when they saw them, decided that’s what they’d like to do when they grew up.  The Neil Down videos giving an idea what those 1970s sex comedy series could have deteriorated into, had they taken the step down to shooting on video, and had gone hardcore. 

As a result of the censorship that was still around in the 1990s, the Neil Down series had a complex release history in the UK.  The series began as half an hour episodes which were shown on adult channels on Satellite TV.  They were then compiled into three episode 18 cert video releases.  While satellite TV only played the soft versions of the series, which usually had to suffer further cuts for their BBFC approved video releases, America and the rest of Europe got the uncut, hardcore versions of the Neil Down series.  When hardcore was finally legalised in the UK, the hard versions finally saw a UK release, albeit slapped with the prohibitive R18 rating.

The initial 18 cert video releases afforded Neil and Phil their desired 15 minutes of fame, which was mainly played out on late night British TV.  Neil showed up as a guest, for a cosy promotional chat on Channel 5’s ‘European Blue Review’.  On the other hand the series was turned into the laughing stock of late night TV on ‘Vids’, Channel 4’s anarchic video review series, which mercilessly took the piss.  Vids’ review of one of the Neil Down videos ended with host Nigel Buckland exploding into a fury, thrusting his crotch at the camera and demanding to know “what do I have to do to get an erection in this town?”

A Neil Down video being roasted on 'Vids'

Both Vids and European Blue Review did at least have the good taste to feature Hannah Coleman in the clips they showed from the Neil Down series.  Hannah is the only reason you should give a damn about the Neil Down series, with her devilishly wicked smile, large breasts and boundless enthusiasm, Hannah was that rare kind of performer with the Midas touch of turning even the most artless, shot on video trash into porn gold. Her involvement in these videos proving that even fools like Neil and Phil do sometimes strike gold.  As one Hannah fan recently put it “she had a magnetism that is so attractive, and I think rarely seen in a porn star, the best are counted on one hand”.  Be warned though, any Neil Down video that doesn’t involve Hannah should be considered the porn equivalent of asbestos, something from the past that you’d be well advised not to touch.

Hannah’s first entry into the Neil Down world- from 1999- is ‘Mary’s Story’ aka ‘Help, I’m a Virgin’.  As with all of Neil and Phil’s adventures, Mary’s story kicks off with a message being left on Dr Neil’s answering machine.  This time from Hannah’s character, Mary, an 18 year old university student who is desperate to lose her cherry.  “All of my friends have had sex and are experienced” pleads Mary “I never meet boys and I feel as if my body’s going to explode if I don’t have sex soon”.  Neil and Phil are practically falling over themselves to answer the call.  Although Phil, who is acting as cameraman manages to test Neil’s patience by lingering too long on an establishing shot of the University, causing Neil to remind his gormless assistant that they are here to film “arse not buildings”.

The duo eventually find their way to Mary’s messy university digs, much to their delight she’s only wearing an oversized red and white rugby style shirt, and is already showing a great deal of leg.  Taking over the camerawork, the good Dr Neil immediately does battle with his Mr Hyde side.  Asking a series of mundane questions about university life, while revealing where his head is really at by crash zooming on her shapely legs.  “I find you really attractive” he tells her, before reassuringly adding “but that is purely professional”, as Mary cringes with embarrassment at the two men’s obvious sexual interest in her.  Neil explains away the presence of a camera by claiming that they are making a documentary that might help women in a similar predicament to her “not that many girls like to admit that they are still a virgin”.  Neil asks Mary to sit next to Phil, and even though she’s still wearing the red and white striped shirt you get the first idea of the stunning body which that shirt is concealing.  Something that doesn’t go unnoticed by Dr Neil “you’re well endowed really” he tells her, before working up the courage to ask her “it is warm in here, why don’t you take your top off”.  Sure enough the top comes off, leaving Mary’s breasts jiggling about in a bra that is barely able to contain them.  In a pure British sex comedy moment, Neil blurts out “you don’t get many of those to the pound”.  

Unlike the majority of 1990s hardcore, Mary’s Story isn’t in any rush to jump straight to the action, with much of its sexiness coming from Neil’s gradual, verbal seduction of Mary, and constantly daring her to go further and further.  Mary’s Story plays an erotic guessing game with its audience...will Neil talk her into taking all her clothes off, maybe she’ll allow some foreplay or even for both men to have full sex with her.  Or will the duo’s love of double entendres cause them to blow the deal, resulting in her seeing through their sex therapist facade and turf their horny asses out of her student digs?

Phil takes over the camerawork as Neil takes centre stage in order to remove Mary’s bra, then moves on to caressing and kissing her breasts...much to Phil’s annoyance and Mary’s enjoyment.  Mary loosens up but seeks reassurance that their little documentary isn’t “going to be on TV”, a moment that the makers of Channel 4’s Vids couldn’t resist actually putting on TV.

Neil takes his ‘doctor’ persona serious enough to lose his composure whenever his co-stars break character or mock the scenarios they are meant to be playing out.  Phil, however, is obviously here to fuck girls and regards all this pesky dialogue and play acting as an unnecessary obstacle in the way of all his fun.  As Hannah strips off and plays with herself on the bed, Phil vents his confusion and frustration as to why they are not just getting along with the job of fucking her, complaining that he is “straining at the leash”.  One of several pieces of dialogue in the video that sees Phil compared to a dog.  

Neil however is a stickler for staying in character and insists on further doctor themed chit-chat.  As much as these videos portray Neil and Phil as an inseparable duo, who do love zooming in on each other’s muscles, you sense underlining friction between the two men, fuelling rumours that Neil and Phil didn’t get along off-screen.  Tellingly in later Neil Down videos, Neil often flies solo with Phil nowhere to be seen, indicating that all was not well in Neil and Phil land.  Although he comes across as the archetypal 1990s bloke, Phil Mycock wasn’t above taking gay-for-pay gigs, and around the same time as the Neil Down videos was showing up as a solo centrefold in gay mags.  Phil and Neil give the impression that being admired and idolised was a huge motivation, and they weren’t fussy about what audience was watching them...as long as they kept on staring. 

Phil is appeased when Neil allows him to join Mary on the bed and suck on one of her tits, albeit followed up by about twenty questions from inquisitor Neil... “do you feel excited”, “is that nice” yadda, yadda, yadda. 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this for the camera” remarks Mary, apologising to Neil and Phil when nerves threaten to get the better of her.  She awkwardly removes her panties, finally giving Phil and Neil an eyeful of the crotch that Phil quickly buries his face in. 

Watching Hannah Coleman go to work is quite the experience, her loud, intense orgasming suggesting that Phil may have found his true calling in life...in-between her legs. Her sexual ecstasy at this point is always believable, never straying into phoney, porn histrionics.  The sight of Hannah thrashing about the bed, her breasts bouncing around in all directions, causes even Neil to temporally ditch his ‘purely professional’ shtick, in favour of fondling those massive tits.

For all his initial ‘straining at the leash’ enthusiasm, Phil is oddly detached once the actual sex kicks in, happy to lie back and think of England as Hannah greedily eyes up the bulge in his Calvin Klein underpants.  All of which leaves the heavy lifting in the video to Hannah, as her character Mary finally loses her cherry by mounting Phil’s hard-on, riding him with all the ferocity of someone charging into Valhalla itself.  Be in no doubt, all of the erotic value in this video is down to Hannah Coleman’s performance, initially believable as the sweet, but sexually inept, girl next door type, before blowing that screen image apart and embracing the role of the dirtiest girl you could ever hope to meet.  Her performance here breathes new life into the tired virgin/whore fantasy.  Like em to talk filth? Then Hannah is your gal.  Her dialogue in the latter half of the video is a slew of obscenities worthy of The Exorcist.  “Fuck me, you son of a bitch” she yells at Phil, leaving a red faced Neil to wisecrack “did you learn that in English classes”. 

The official line on the actor who was behind the Neil Down character is that he is a happily married, heterosexual but watching one of these videos you can understand why punters back then had their suspicions about him being a possible undercover homosexual.  His banter to Hannah/Mary in this video often feels like he is living out the experience of being fucked by Phil through her. 

"I think I'm going to like this" coos Mary. Soon she is sucking Phil's cock, while Neil offers up cock sucking advice, not that it is needed. Hannah's technique is awesome, flicking her tongue over his shaft and then taking it all down her throat. Phil is in ecstasy "she is excellent" he reports back to Neil, no one would disagree with that. Soon Mary is ready for the big cherry loss as she impales herself on his cock. Mary is in the reverse cowgirl position as Neil's camera prowls around the mating, taking in close ups on her huge, bouncing tits, and Phil firmly holding her ass as she enjoys her ride. Camera flashes during this sequence give away the presence of a stills man on set, breaking with the idea of this being a two man operation. As Mary and Phil's mating becomes more frenzied, the sound of the creaking bed dominates the soundtrack, adding in a touch of comedy. Then huge close ups of Mary's ass fill the screen as she bends over to blow Phil, Neil fancies some back door action and begins fingering her asshole. "Don't suppose you mind your arse being played with, do you Mary" he considerately asks after the fact...she sure don't. Neil fucks her hard in the ass, her discarded rugby style tee-shirt can be seen on the floor in the background, having gone the way of her inhibitions. As Mary, Hannah is Neil's equal when it comes to dirty talk, demanding "that's right, keep fucking me" as he does her straight up the ass. Mary is then back to straddling Phil, egged on by Neil “you love that big dicked, cock of his”. At one point Neil even tells her “you could stick your fingers up Phil’s arse if you want”. Mary has trouble inserting Phil's cock in her tight pussy, but eventually with a bit of spit and determination succeeds. Finally Phil can take no more, and flips Mary on her back, announcing that this will be "the last position". Mary takes on both of these muscleman, Phil having his turn between her legs, which he holds wide apart, while Neil enjoys her oral talents. Neil does allot of jerking, in between putting it in and out of her mouth, but it's Phil who is first past the post, and blows his load over her pussy and her belly. Phil appears dazed and disoriented by all the good sex, Neil demands that it's "My turn, son" and hands the camera over to Phil. A jerk off session then takes place, Mary masturbates herself, emerging from under Neil's ass just in time for him to shoot a load all over her face, and it is a well earned facial. Basking in his success, Neil rubs his cock all over her face and tits, before kissing Mary's cum filled face.

In what becomes a repeat pattern in the Neil Down videos, the actual sex Neil allocates for himself here is strictly of the anal and oral variety, finished off with lots of jerking off from Neil in order to deliver the all important money shot.  Neil often closes his eyes during such J.O sessions, as if mentally blocking out his female co-stars.  Reading between the lines though, you suspect Neil’s real bag is control, and being able to erotically pull the strings of others.  Neil is in his element seeing his sexual orders being obeyed, telling Hannah “pull your skirt up”, “slowly caress your breasts” and Phil to “take her hand and show her that big chest you’ve got there”.  Neil even invites the puppet master analogy himself, at one point referring to Hannah as being “like a puppet...on cue”.  Maybe Neil should have remade Antony Balch’s Horror Hospital, with himself in the Dr Storm role.    

Hannah attacks the exhaustive demands placed on her in this video with an incredible, animalistic passion.  From being fucked hard in the ass by Neil, while blowing Phil... to sucking off Neil while riding Phil...at one point threatening to completely derail filming by pulling Neil and his camera on top of her and Phil.  The video might well be Hannah’s equivalent of ‘Miss Bohrloch’, its a spellbinding sexual showcase for her, in which she outshines and exhausts her male co-stars, despite being outnumbered by them 2 to 1.

Finally a weary Phil can take no more, flips her on her back and insists this will be “the last position”.  The video then breaks with its gonzo/POV format, to show a long shot of the two musclemen working her over, Mary/Hannah buried somewhere underneath them, visible only by her legs which are high in the air.  Cut to Neil’s POV, as he alternates between filming himself being blown by her and Phil fucking her in the pussy.  Despite Hannah’s cocksucking ability and Neil’s own frenzied jerking off, its Phil who is first past the post, shooting his load over Hannah’s crotch.  A brief shot of which surprisingly made it into the otherwise bowdlerised 18 cert video release.  Having miraculously survived the task of fucking Hannah, Phil appears to be in some post-coital trance and can only keep muttering the name of her character “Mary...Mary...Mary”.  Neil snaps him out of it by insisting “my turn now, son” and insists on Phil taking over the camerawork.  True to form, Phil chooses to ignore the woman underneath them, who has just gotten him off, in favour of a close-up on Neil’s sweaty, muscular torso.  Neil beats his meat over Hannah, requiring every amount of available strength to deliver the goods and go all Jackson Pollock over her face.  The soft 18 cert version of the video substitutes this with an unintentionally hilarious few moments of Neil’s upper torso convulsing wildly, sweat flying everywhere like a dog shaking itself after a dip in the water.  

As is customary for a Neil Down video, the scene ends with a self-congratulatory shot of Neil beaming into the camera, happy to have narrowly scrapped through another sexual encounter and basking in his own ego.  ‘What do I have to do to get an erection in this town’?  Dr Neil Down’s answer must surely have been to stare at himself in the mirror.

Hannah Coleman spent 18 months in the porn business, a brief career that took her as far afield as Venice Beach.  It was there that Hannah  received an idea of what big time fame was like when her looks and British accent caused her to be mobbed by a crowd who had mistaken her for Geri Halliwell.  Back on home turf, Hannah was in such high demand that her career practically acts as a microcosm of the era’s UK porn, and a Who’s Who of its male performers.  Ben Dover put her in ‘Ben Dover’s Naughty British Babes’ which captures Hannah at her wildest, and outrageously opens with her blowing Ben in his car, as other road users obliviously pass-by.  Ben then drives her to a hotel room where other naked, horny guys await her arrival.  The most memorable moment in Naughty British Babes sees Hannah ecstatically run into a room, jump on the bed and throw her legs apart, with Ben and the other guys in hot pursuit...as The Sensational Alex Harvey Band once sang ‘ain’t nothing like a gang bang to blow away the blues’.  Fancy seeing Hannah go to bed with hot chocolate rather than Horlicks? Then there’s ‘Big Boob Booty’ in which Hannah takes on the super endowed black stud Omar Williams.  A video which ends with a Confessions-esque scene of Hannah’s husband coming home early, forcing Omar to make a bare assed retreat.  Such was the popularity of ‘Mary’s Story’ that Hannah was recalled to the Neil Down series for ‘Katy’s Story’, in which Hannah stands in for the absent Phil Mycock and helps fulfil the girl on girl fantasy of housewife Katy.  Dr Neil largely stays behind the camera in this one, taunting his absent male co-star “poor old Phil” and predictably restricting his interactions with the girls to those of the anal and oral varieties.  Katy’s Story once again sees Dr Neil suffer under the quick wit and acid tongue of Hannah Coleman.  When Neil asks Hannah if Katy is good at eating pussy, Hannah fires back “she’s better than you, Doctor”.

Ben Dover's version of Hannah

Want to see Hannah in chains? Then there’s ‘Sex Sluts in the Tower of London’ which mixes hardcore with light S&M in scenes allegedly taking place in the Tower.  A location unconvincingly evoked by cutaways to tourist home video type footage of the Tower and other London landmarks.  Sex Sluts sees Hannah getting fucked by the pot bellied, indecorous Dick Nasty, a scene supposedly set in one of the turrets. At her insistence, Nasty spits in her face during sex.

The straw that broke the Coleman’s back though was a run in with severe Euro double-act Rocco Siffredi and Kelly Stafford.  “As soon as I walked in Kelly was taking a beating which instantly put me off” Hannah remembered in 2002 “he was only paying me £200, I felt like running away”.  During filming, Hannah alleged that Stafford lost her cool and slapped Hannah across the face “this deeply upset me as I like Kelly, but in the room with Rocco she turned into an animal...Rocco told me I was wooden and said not many great things about me”.  After this incident, Hannah left the business in 1999, made a brief comeback in 2001, before disappearing into suburban anonymity.  “I always had a great sense of humour on set, always had a laugh a min.  It was my laughing and joking that kept everything soooo real” she reflected in 2007 “to do this kind of job you have to be open minded and have a great sense of humour- I never took myself too seriously...I have no regrets, it was fun while it lasted”.

Phil Mycock -whose real name is Wayne Casey- has now left the business.  Dr Neil Down has hung up his stethoscope and moved behind the camera.  He now directs fetish videos as ‘Kendo’, a clipped version of his real name Ken Docherty.  Maybe one day when the olive branch of nostalgia is extended to the 1990s, Hannah Coleman will be recognised as one the decade’s great British porn stars.  Until then she’ll remain a wonderful, salacious memory for those lucky enough to know about her, marred only by sorrow for those who’ve never heard her name.